i have been MIA i know.

im in a large grey room on a large grey day in front of a large grey computer at a large grey (ok partly black) desk, with my feet on the large grey carpet. but i get paid. and fortunately i am wearing red and blue.

i've been here for an hour and a half and ive only made one report. and suwatch is the only one that will know what that means...... it means im a lazy slug...... but i was reading xanga so i think its excusable

the other day me and some of the girls roadtripped it out to camp buckner which is the campsite that 2nd year west point cadets train at. "train"... it looked like a summer camp haha. they had kayaks and hiking trails around a lake!! jk, those kids are hardcore. they actually run the trail for training.. i had trouble just walking it. and the day after we left they were supposed to run the 8 miles back to west point from buckner! what kind of school sets aside a whole day for u to RUN BACK TO SCHOOL. ouch.

we were there bc they have a big formal dance at the end of training. this is literally the only day they have set aside to have fun all summer haha. it was basically like prom except with cadets all decked out in uniform and u go through a receiving line where u shake hands with the general and her husband. (yes, her and her husband.) and as west point cadets are NOT ALLOWED to um.. "get busy," there was a sex patrol combing the campsite and the woods with night vision goggles. talk about hardcore.

the next day we went home, picked up some ppl and scooted it out to jones beach, long island for the matt nathanson/howie day/OAR concert. mmm.. concert on the beach.

roadtrip weekend = success.

i summer

things beautiful to me

warm laundry
hot shower on a cold day
cold shower on a hot day
the moon at its biggest, reddest, and lowest to
     the horizon
my mother's hands
the crinkles you get around your eyes from laughing too
      much
a handwritten letter
toasted marshmallows that are just a bit burnt
when a person overtips because their server just seems
    to be having a bad day
watching hartford's horizon slowly shrink away
     with the sunset in the background as i drive home
     from work
those really amazing conversations that last forever but
     go by so quickly u think its 1am when its really 5am
lemon meringue pie where the meringue is just huge and
      everywhere
acoustic guitar
dew

whats beautiful to you?

i have bad dreams on a regular basis. and by regular i mean almost daily. i dont even remember them when i wake up, all i know is that i have a bad feeling about it. sometimes i remember pieces of them later on in the day. even when i dream of good things.. people i love, i dream that we're fighting or that i can't get to them. sometimes i dream im yelling things like "no i dont want to" and when i wake up and im actually saying them out loud.

last night i dreamed that i was crying and i couldn't stop. i couldnt make it stop. this is all i know.

i am not depressed, but i may be tired to the soul.

if you can make this stop please do. if you cannot then just hug me when u see me and maybe that will make them stop.

CONNECTICUT the constitution state
                     the nutmeg state
                      my home state (no boos fkpc praise team)

so i feel bad because everyone in maryland (myself included) is always hating on connecticut. and ok so i wasnt born here. but out of everywhere else in the world, its as homey as i've got. been here since '87 whoa.

tonight i was just walking around town with a couple of my friends and they really made me appreciate it for what it is. from college park, there was always too much smog to see the stars. but here at home its just deep velvety sky with stars sprinkled all across. we walked down some forgotten road to a place where the fields and woods met the connecticut river. the path we walked on was lined with honeysuckle and each breath coated our lungs with its sweetness. we could see the fireflies' playful dance in the distance and eventually we walked close enough that they sped gracefully between and around us. trying to catch them all, i caught a glimmer of the magic of summer nights i had left behind me somewhere in my childhood.

it's like i've been so busy getting older i forgot that i dont have to just yet. i've been so preoccupied with just getting out and seeing everything else. my friends pointed out what a "treat" (yes one of them used the word treat) it was to grow up here. we're not so suburban that its JUST houses. a lot of streets are houses on one side and the other side is crawling with wild flowers and overhanging trees. its a gorgeous suburban/rural balance.

and autumn in new england is simply breathtaking. sad that i dont really see them anymore. i forgot to savor it my last year of high school.

so here's to connecticut. and here's to growing older slower.

being grown up isnt half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives.

no. i dont know the people in the profile picture. i just thought it was cute. i'm a sucker for old-time romance.. dancin in the streets and singin in the rain.. all that stuff.

got out of work FIVE hours early today. thats right (suckas!)

i like home. the allergies seem to be pretty much concentrated into my eyes now, with the occasional sneeze. so thats a plus.. and if u see my eyes watering like a fountain.. its ok i'm NOT crying.. its just connecticut. or possibly just my house! not sure yet.

so this summer is going to be largely devoted to making money i think. which is sad for me to say. i dont like that, but i sorta need it. college is a real killer on the money front. but also plenty of time for keeping in touch with those far away  and catching up with those close by in addition to restraining myself from blowing all my money on clothes

so whats on the to do list?

learn to drive stick
go to boston, ny (bmore and philly??)
go to the beach at least 3 times
morning run (i dont know how often yet.. we're basically trying to drop the jiggle.. YES there is jiggle, NO i am not one of those crazy girls that thinks she's fat, i'm comfortable with myself, but there is certainly a bit of jiggle, thats all. end of discussion)
learn french - for real this time
convince the parents to take me to RUTH'S CHRIS!
start keeping a journal again.. the paper and pen kind